late night tears...

So I'm laying here in bed playing my usual 498734 games of Spider Solitaire before going to sleep and listening to music. Now, those of you who have been so blessed to enjoy this experience know that i usually flip through the songs on my laptop until i find one that i really really want to listen to. I'm a music junkie, what can I say? Anyway, Remember When came on and instead of being smart and immediately changing the song, I listened to it. Actually, I did immeditately change it, and stupid me changed it back. So I listened. And now I'm crying. Bawling actually. If you've never heard the song, you should. It's beautiful. So why the tears? Because it was Papa's very favorite song. It came out a few months before Papa died and he immediately bought the cd and played it over and over again. Read the lyrics (that's where the link will take you). They describe my grandparents' relationship to a T. It's unreal...From the minute he heard it, Papa swore that song was written for them. Everything about it...it's just THEM. So, stupid me laid here and listened and bawled because I can't help but think about Papa and all the wonderful memories I have with him and the day he died and the day we said goodbye to him. We had a huge party planned for Papa's 70th birthday in February. My Daddy was going to sing this song that night for Mimi and Papa to dance to...they loved to dance and just fit each other so well. Instead, he sang it at Papa's funeral in September. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years already. I feel like the wounds are fresher now than they were when it happened. I think I'm finally allowing myself to grieve. And it sucks...
So yeah, now I'm laying here thinking about this precious man and wondering WHY God had to take him when He did. It's just not fair...I'm still angry...I'm still hurt...I'm still lost.
we all are...
Just look at them. Look how happy they were! This was taken on one of the last Car Club trips they went on. They had so much living left to do. So many trips left to take...
So why did he just suddenly die?? Don't get me wrong - I am SO so glad he didn't suffer and wasn't in any pain. He always said when the time came he hoped he either died in his sleep or was abducted by aliens. That's my Papa...
But seriously...I just don't get why there are so many TERRIBLE people in this world that don't make anyone's life enjoyable, including their own - and they live to be 103. Then there's my precious, loving, hilarious Papa who made everyone's life (well, except maybe Sparky Dean's) a better place. He never failed to make anyone laugh. Never. He did anything and everything for his family. He was a great businessman and most of all he was so full of life! He lived life to the fullest - everyday. The day before he died, he spent driving his friends up and down Treadaway at 90 mph in his new toy - an antique hot rod, bright red with flames down the sides and no hood. Now that's Papa! In fact, that was so Papa, the Paulbearers rode in that car instead of a limo....and there was a ton of antique cars at his funeral. I know he was pleased at all the attention. He did love attention!

Ugh...I can't do this anymore...not right now...

I need sleep...