Aunt Flow Can Kiss My Naturally Black A$$!

Upon reading this from my new blog friend in Indy, I'm reminded of a couple of emails that I hold very near and dear to my heart:


Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a
bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. *Avoiding
caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. *Drink 6-8 glasses of
water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. *Try Kotex blah
blah blah other products... Obviously the individual behind this was
someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead
and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will
help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our
bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I
triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back. I'll
wait. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the
chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first
responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the
only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or
crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head
off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine
hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like
that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted
their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was
already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is
enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley
faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the
packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in
our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package
announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya
just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce
that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces
and shove them right up your ass!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of
Bourbon to your packages instead?

and my all time favorite (whether it was actually sent or not):

ACTUAL LETTER TO PROCTOR AND GAMBLE

This is a letter written to one of the top executives at Proctor and Gamble. Means a bit more to the gals than the guys.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my ‘time of the month’ is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period"."Are you f…..g kidding me?"

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.

Best,
Wendy Aarons
Austin TX

hehe I love it! And well, I just can't help but agree with these women. Now for the real kicker. Go to the Always website. There, you can wish a friend a happy period with an e-card, find an inspirational time of the month mantra, or redecorate your screen for a fresh perspective, and let's not forget the pad-o-meter that takes your monthly troubles and changes them to something positive to supposedly empower you...

These people should be shot