Biddy's Survival Handbook

HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG ASS WORK DAY:

• If you are running late, stop at the donut shop and buy enough for everyone in the office. they will be so excited to see the pink box, they won't even notice that you were 3 10 minutes late.
• Coffee is the nectar of the Gods. Use the smallest cup you can find so you have to make several trips to the coffee pot.
• If you have IBS, eat a greasy jalepeno sausage croissant from the donut shop with your 3165646 cups of coffee. You'll be in a bit of excruciating pain, but the frequent trips to the bathroom will cut minutes right out of your day.
• That is not a good weight loss method. It does not work. No matter how much you shit.
• If you are the type that gets sleepy while reading, do NOT listen to a book on c.d. even if it is Hannibal Rising.
• Do not photocopy your ass or any other body part. Leave that fun in your imagination.
• Use Dr. Appointments to your advantage! Sure, you could schedule them towards the end of the day, like a good employee. BUT, if you schedule them at say, 10:45ish, no one will question your 3 hour lunch break.
• On said 3 hour lunch break, go to the doc, bribe his office to get you in and out as fast as possible. grab a bite to eat, eat while driving, go home and take a nap.
• Be sure and set your alarm before you lay down. Your boss will question a 5 hour lunch break...and why your hair is standing on end
• Keep an ear open for footsteps. When you hear them, minimize blogger and pretend to work
• If you get a case of the walking farts while walking infront of your boss, look down, mumble something "to yourself" about your stupid shoes and pray they are not of the "something crawled up my ass and died" variety. NEVER EVER make eye contact with boss while you have the walking farts. It's a dead giveaway.
• When the network goes down, do not celebrate out loud. Yelling "woo hoo" and dancing on top of your desk will alert tech support even sooner.
• Candy drawer is good. very very good
• Leave credit & debit cards at home. Online shopping at work can be very dangerous to your bank account. Particularly when you order this, this, nine of these, and particularly these.
• Make sure you have room for an 11 foot woolly mammoth before ordering...they are difficult to return.