what's up peeps...not much here in the land of flatonmyback. diagnosis? yep, herniated disc. again. FUCK. oh that felt good...fuck fuck fuck....
i feel better already!
so, i've seen my gorgeous friendly chiropractor oh, i don't know, 4 times in the past week, spent 8 hours in the emergency room, and the past 6 nights i have been living with my parents. now you understand why i needed to drop a few f-bombs.
i hurt. like a sonofabitch. granted, it is a bit better, but i would still like to go in for an epidural or half body amputation. tuesday was by far the worst of it. i went to the chiropractor for the second time in less than 24 hours (drove myself, stupid move) and he did his magic of popping and crunching and pushing of fluid and yeah, i felt better (not great, but better). then i got home. and things went wayyyyyyyyy down hill from there. I called my chiro's office and left a message for him to call me. he did, and decided that he needed to refer me to an ortho. he said he would call me back with details blah blah blah. so, i got some ice and went to bed to wait for his call. 2 hours later, i woke up, desperately needing to pee, and couldn't get up. i kid you not, it took me at least 20 minutes just to get out of my bed. I went in the bathroom, and well, i'll spare you the details of what happened in there. fast forward about 10 minutes, and i'm still in the bathroom, crying and naked (i didn't pee my pants).
i called my chiro and he said that the ortho was supposed to be calling me and letting me know what time to come in. so, i decided to go ahead and get dressed and then i would be ready to go whenever i needed to. i put my bra on, reached down to put some undies on, and BAM! the most excruciating pain i have ever felt in my life hit. my legs went limp, and no matter what i tried to do, every miniscule movement made me want to die. knowing i couldn't go to the doc in just a bra, i called my neighbor. she is an RN and has a key to my house, so i thought she would be a good one to help me get dressed. no answer. crap. i tried again, still no answer. fuck. so, i tried picking my undies up with my toes (i pick things up with my toes regularly) but the pain was absolutely too much to handle. crying, and holding onto the sink for dear life, i tried my neighbor one more time. no fucking answer.
a bit of panic struck me as i realized i had only 2 options: call 911 and have them break my front door down, put my fat half naked ass on a gourney and wheel me out, or use my dull venus razor to slit my wrists and pray i died quickly. then, i remembered "duh, friend has a key to my house" but friend was at work, and many many times that means he's not even in town. thinking of the hot firemen that would have nightmares thinking of my nakedness and not really in the mood to replace my front door, i called poor Friend (i knew he could handle the trauma of seeing me half naked). I was bawling. I couldn't move. my sweet Friend left work and came to my rescue. he helped me get dressed much like an adult helps a toddler.
after that rather embarassing moment, he helped me to the living room. he decided he was sticking around to take me to the doc (which relieved me immensely). we waited. and waited. i called my chiro to see what doc he was referring me to. if the bastard wasn't going to call me, by god i was gonna call him. so, they give me the name. then friend and i search my pigpen house for a damn phone book. finally, i just called 411. they gave me the number, sent it in a text message, and connected me. i got a completely different doc's office. it was actually the doc that did Friend's neck surgery - weird coincidence. i thought maybe they were in the same office. nope. never heard of him. hmmm FUCK
so, i made my way to my bedroom because i thought surely laying down would be better than anything else (ha WRONG). We found a phone book in my room and Friend went to searching for the mystery doc. while my dear sweet Friend searched high and low in the psychiatrist and veterinary listings, i called my chiro to get the number from him. while on hold, someone beeped through. i clicked over and it was the mystery man. he asks me what's going on, i tell him i'm dying. he says "well, let me get the book and see when we can get you in. oh yes, i have an opening tomorrow at 8:30" WTF!? I explained to the man that i was practically immobilized by the pain and that nothing was helping and what the hell was i supposed to do till morning?! he tells me to take advil. what the fuck do you think i've been doing numb-nuts? so, he offers me no useful advice whatsoever and says he'll see me in the morning. again, i start crying, and yelling obscenities. Friend says he's just gonna take me to the emergency room. Mommy Dearest calls and thinks maybe we should indeed go to the e.r. but then gets the not so brilliant idea that valium might get me through until my appointment.
so, she calls the family drug pusher mimi, then calls me back and says mimi is on her way with valium and that she was going to take me to mom & dad's house. so, Friend helps me out of bed and throws a few things in a bag for me. why, i didn't just have Friend take me to the parentals, i'm not sure. but i did have him follow us, because i knew my grandmother wasn't going to be able to get me in and out of the car. mimi finally shows up and dear sweet jerkwad Friend says "c'mon, i'll race ya" and proceeds to do the grandpa shuffle down the sidewalk to mimi's car. i tapped him on the shoulder and reminded him my middle fingers still work perfectly, all the while mimi is laughing her ass off.
it took a few minutes to get into mimi's car, and friend ended up having to lift my right leg into the car for me. mimi proceeded to take the shittiest, bumpiest, curviest (is that a word?) route to my parents house i've ever seen. in fact, while on the death road, i texted friend "i think she's trying to kill me." we finally made it to my parents' house (which really isn't far from my house). friend and mimi get me situated in dad's recliner and mimi gives me a valium. Friend pulled the hooty to make the leg thingy go up in the recliner for me, gave me a kiss and left. Mimi stuck around till mom got home from work. about 45 minutes after the first valium mimi and mom were both a bit concerned that a) i was still awake and b) i was still in just as much pain. using the logic of i weigh more than mimi and my dentist once gave me 10mg of valium, i popped another one. never did go to sleep.
i iced my back and stayed as still as possible. it eased up a bit, so i got down in the floor to do the stretches the chiro told me to do. mom helped with the stretches. as soon as i went to get up, BAM! that paralyzing pain was back. thought i could walk it off. WRONG! soon, i was in tears again, holding on to the kitchen island with my dad staring in silent "what the hell do i do now" mode and my mother barking orders at me because "you can't just STAND in the kitchen all night!" my mother...she's so compassionate. so, the decision was finally made to, *gasp* go to the emergency room.
6 hours later, they call me back. my (really cute but married) nurse complimented my camo toes (his scrub shirt was camo) while he listened to my chest, back and stomach with the stethescope. he told me the doc would be in soon (ha!). i commented to mom that i'd never had someone listen to my stomach before and she said "this better not be because you've got gas. if i waited 6 hours in the e.r. waiting room just for them to come in here, push on your stomach and make you fart, i might kill someone" i of course, busted out laughing (which hurt like hell). the doc finally came in, talked to me for all of 5 seconds, tortured me pulled and stretched my legs, told me "yep, it's a herniated disc with muscle spasms" (geeze, that's exactly what i told them when i got to the e.r.) he ordered a shot of demerol and phengran, wrote me 2 prescriptions (one of which i am allergic to!) and that was it. 8 hours in the e.r. plus another 20-30 minutes in the walgreens drive thru to get my pain meds filled (not to mention having to call the doc for a 3rd script for phenegran so i could take the one i'm allergic to) and still, little relief...
we definitely slept right thru my ortho appointment. i'm slowly getting better after a few more trips to the chiro, lots of drugs, and a massage. saturday i was feeling pretty good, still hurting, but bearable. so, i went to jake & morgan's soccer game, ate at cracker barrell with my fam and even walked around wal-mart for a few minutes. hmmm whoops. overdid it a lot bit. oh, and the ortho (who is actually an ortho P.A.) can't see me till the 16th...
the pain is there, it hurts to move certain ways, it hurts to sit. but the worst part is the fact that my body is crooked. i look like a car that's going down the road in a straight line, but the frame is bent so the car itself is at an angle. my right shoulder sits a good 3 inches lower than my left and my right hip is angled back as well.
maybe instead of the chiropractor i should go to the paint & body shop....
i'm attempting work tomorrow...pray for me!
9 comments:
Whoa, I FEEL your pain. I have lived with 2 herniated ruptured disc for a long time. I refuse surgery..actually I am afraid of it.
I live with ice packs .... only thing that helps ... and motrin. The most I ever lift is my 10 lb. dog. I too, have taken 20 minutes to "snake" out of bed, only to realize I am on the floor and can't get up, lol
I am praying for you girl ... I know that pain all too much.
Oy, Bid - what an ordeal! Good luck back at work.
(About your cousin's Danes? Um, gah no. But sad sad for the Danes. Hope they find a happy home.)
Oh...that just totally sucks. Naked biddy and 911 would have made for a great story! I think you did the right thing there..and I would have done the grandpa shuffle too, wouldn't you if the shoe were on the other foot? I think you are doing all the right things..maybe the back issues are associated w/ the poop issues? Thinking!
You poor thing!!!! Feel better and better and better!!!!!
Good Lord! I didn't realize it was this bad! You should have called me! You could have stayed with me and medicated on booze!
I see our mothers went to the same school for "compassion training"!
Bless your heart...that sucks!! I have leftover pain meds and they're about to give me more...wanna have a hydrocodone party?
Biddy - Lurker here. I just finished going through this. I had a "severely herniated disc" at L5S1 and had 2 epidural injections and ended up with back surgery almost 6 months ago. I can relate to everything you've written. I'd urge you to give the ortho a chance and if you end up needing surgery have a neurosurgeon do it. Comment back if you'd like to talk offline, I'd be happy to chat. I hope you feel better. It will get better. I'm not 100% yet, but I am able to dress and bathe myself again!
I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I'm praying for a full recovery, and a positive doctors visit. ((hugs))
My husband had a herniated disc. Have you tried epidural shots? They helped him immensely.
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