i am a wretched, pathetic excuse of a person. i truly am. please, don't be nice and say otherwise. please don't. i'm not looking for sympathy. i'm not looking for kind comments. i just need to vent and this is the only place i can. in fact, comments are going to be turned off on this post.
have you ever told a lie that started as a really stupid joke, got WAY out of hand and you just had to keep piling the lies on to cover the last one? maybe not. maybe it's just me. but i did. and trust me it got way more than just out of hand. i lied so long it became the truth to me, maybe because so much of it was true...just not told in a truthful context if that makes sense. it consumed me. became an obsession. an obsession i couldn't stop. and i tried. i desperately tried to stop. i just couldn't. i was scared. i am a coward. i am a fool. i am a worthless piece of trash. i even tried lying some more to try to get out of it. no matter what i did, i just couldn't get away from it. it was my escape from the real world, into a world that didn't involve my family or the pain of losing the greatest man in my life - my papa. it was my drug. my addiction.
more than one person saw my true colors tonight. more than one person now hates me. someone came to my aid tonight...in the middle of the night. i told him the truth, and now he hates me too. i hate me. i have hated myself for a very long time. i've got issues. serious fucking issues.
how ironic the truth comes out 2 days before i start therapy. yep, i finally broke down and admitted that i'm fucking crazy and really do need proffessional help. who knows, i may be beyond help.
i have no idea when or how i became this person. this isn't me. this is some wretched part of me that has consumed me. i will never forgive myself, nor would i even dare ask forgiveness from anyone.
i considered killing myself just moments ago. had the knife in my hand, all the pills i could find sitting in front of me with a bottle of wine. i put the knife to my wrist, ready to cut down instead of across (because hey, if you're gonna do it, you might as well do it right), but then i realized that aside from making a few people VERY happy, killing myself wasn't going to do any good. i realized that the truth would come out to my family. to my mimi. it might anyway. i hope it doesn't. not because of the (additional) hell that would come down on me. but because i don't want my grandmother to have to go through this. she's been through way too much the past few years as it is...she doesn't need anything else to stress that ticking time bomb of a heart she has. i don't think she could take it. she's way too good of a person to have this put on her...maybe that's why i've almost completely shut her out of my life...because i so do not deserve a woman like her in my life and she so does not need a bitch like me in her life...
suicide was the easy way out for me. this is something i have to keep on living with on my conscience every single day for the rest of my miserable life. this is not something anyone or anything can fix.
so, my sweet readers...i am taking a break from blogging. i need some time to get the help i so desperately need. i need some time to distance myself even more from my family because while some of them are probably a big reason i am the nutcase, the rest of them don't need someone like me in their lives. i applied for another job, out of state a few days ago. i'm going to pursue it as hard as i can. i need to get away from everyone i've hurt, whether they know i have or not. i need to get this job so i can pay the people i owe money to. i need to get this job so i will truly be alone with nothing but my shame and thoughts to keep me company.
again i say, i am so NOT looking for any sort of sympathy or kind words. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't. you don't really know the whole me. you don't really know my true colors.
i will update tuesday about my back, but other than that i have no idea if or when i will start blogging again. guest bloggers, you are more than welcome to come in and spray graffiti all over the place or do whatever. don't feel like you have to though...
until i return to a bit of sanity...
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