splish splash i was takin' a bath

cell phone rings: "i think i love you. so what am i so afraid of.." (long story)
me: "hey"
silence
me: "hellllloooo?"
caller (in a very joey tribbiani voice): whadya doin?
me: "oh, not much. whada YOU doin?"
caller: "i'm i'm goin in awdroiuhagna;"
me: "you're what??"
caller (sounding a bit drunk) "i'm goin in sloooooow moooooootion"
me: "um. why are you going in slow motion?"
caller: "be...because i took some awieogh;areigbj;"
me (wondering if i should laugh or call 911) "you took what!?"
caller: "some some....hydrodrocodone...annnnd.....ammmmbien cr...and tylenol collld"
me: "GOOD LORD! do you want me to call you in the morning and make sure you're still alive??
caller: "ohhhhh....welll...i jjjust took whatever i had."
me: "i see. um. i take it you decided you didn't want a muscle relaxer? it sounds to me like you need to go to bed"
caller: "but...b-but i'm not done.....playing spidey. but i'm having a hard time fo f f focusing on it"
me (laughing by this point): "gee i wonder why. you sound drunk"
caller: "i feel a little dwunk"
me: "you finish this game and go to bed. i'm going to finish taking my bath."
caller: ";aifdgha;roga;gna;eorngs"
me: "ok, seriously. go to bed before you pass out at the computer."
caller: "oooooooooooooo k. byyyyyyye"
me "bye...dork"

approximately 5 minutes later: "i think i love you. so what am i so afraid of..."

me: "hello?"
(same) caller: "did you seeeeeeeee me?"
me: "did i see you? where??"
caller: "i ads;fkna;giohn"
me: "*sigh* you what?"
caller: "i floooooated by your windoooooow"
me (thinking he needs a straightjacket): "you floated...by my window?"
caller: "uh huhhhhh did you see meeeee? i saw youuuuu"
me (knowing that was impossible for several reasons): "oh yeah? what was I doing?"
caller: "you were...kind of awd;fih reclining."
me: "i was reclining? is that what you said?"
caller: "yep. you were sort of re...reclining in a ....reclining in a prone position"
me (thinking this was getting interesting): "what was I wearing?"
caller: "somethiiiiiing a;wreoghprettyaoln"
me: "something pretty?"
caller: "noooooooooo something greeeeeen. are you w-wearing something greeeen?"
me: "uh no. actually, i'm reading in the bath tub."
caller "ohhhhhhhhh you're nakeded"
me: "i can't wait to see if you remember this conversation in the morning. i thought you were going to bed?"
caller: "i t-tooooold you i'm not. done. playing spider solitaire"
me "well, you need to go to bed"
caller: "why? i'm playyying"
me: "because i'm afraid if you don't go soon, you'll stand up and fall flat on your face"
caller: "noooooooo."
me (thinking the water is getting cold): "ok. go to bed. i need to get out of the tub"
caller: "a;gina;fohsb so what are you doin?"
me (running more hot water in the tub): "i told you. i'm taking a bath. and reading. and you were going to bed"
caller: "you sound like crap"
me (getting a headache, still laughing): "yeah, well i feel like crap. i'm about to go back to bed and pray my fever will go away"
caller: "party......poooper. i should go to bed soon cause *starts singing* I gotta get up and go to worrrrrrk"
me: "well, i need to, but i can't get this damn fever to break. so i guess we'll see"
caller: silence
me: "ok. go to bed. if you float by my window again, give me a call."
caller: "it's a good thing i don't have to do drug testing tomorrow"
me (running more hot water in the tub): "yeah, you're probably right. but they wouldn't do anything anyway if you tested positive"
caller: "i know. it's stupid. is't all tho thupid. if you tell 'em you'll test positive they won't...do anything...if...you...don't tell them....then you have to pay six dollars"
me: "well, you have prescriptions for them so you wouldn't have to pay $6"
caller: "yeah but then i'd have to take the bottles in and a;igfonv;aoinva;sdlk"
me: "i'll call you tomorrow"
caller: "oooh what are you gonna call me?!"
me: "babe, go to bed. goodnight"
caller: "fine. byyyyyyyyye"

i'm pretty sure i deserve a medal