A Lesson In Semi-Homemade

ok, even betty crocker gets a little lazy sometimes. i normally don't use any kind of boxed mixes. i prefer to make cakes, cupcakes, muffins, etc from scratch. however, i do keep a couple of boxed white cake mixes on hand for when i want to be lazy, or most often, when i don't have all the ingredients needed and i don't have time to go to the store (again). this was the case saturday...so, I decided to give y'all a little lesson in semi-homemade. The cake of choice was strawberry, and i NEVER use strawberry cake mixes. the red food dye taste is revolting. I bought the strawberries, assuming i had the rest of the ingredients to make the cake. whoops. so, white cake mix to the rescue! here we go:

the night before (or if you can't read a calendar, like me, 2 nights before) you're going to make the cake, rinse some yummy ripe strawberries and slice them up into a bowl with a lid. they don't have to be pretty, even slices. just slice em up. you can do this while watching t.v. in the recliner. I don't have exact measurements on the strawberries. I knew I would be using 2 cake mixes, so i used about a half a pound of strawberries...maybe a little more.

after you've sliced the strawberries, generously coat them in sugar. you don't have to stir, just shake them around till they are all coated in sugar. mmmm

now, pop the lid on the bowl, and stick the strawberries in the fridge. you're done for the night, so go ahead and take advantage of the coke and rum hiding in the fridge.

the next day, you're going to need to wash every dish you own. what's that? you actually keep your kitchen spotless? well, aren't you special...

well, now that the kitchen is clean(ish). let's wash our hands and get to business! first, go to the living room and get your kitchenaid mixer out from under the christmas tree. (shut it, people).

wash all the attachments and the bowl. then, take a moment to tell your new mixer how pretty she is. ok. go turn your oven on to whatever temp thebox says. in this case, 350. for the love of cake, people, always always always preheat your oven for at least 10 minutes. now, dump in one box of cake mix.

and, because it's a tough kitchenaid, go ahead and dump one more box in.i only use pillsbury, betty crocker, or duncan hines. they just seem to work really well.

now, we're basically going to just dump in all the ingredients the instructions on the box tell us too, with a few exceptions.

go ahead and dump in 6 eggs (this is a double batch, remember?) 6 eggs is breakfast for my sister. ick. that's a lot of eggs...

also? embrace the garbage bowl. normally my garbage bowl is much bigger. this one was just close by...

the recipe calls for 1 cup of water, per box. normally, i would add this much. BUT because we are going to be adding the strawbabies, only use 1 and 2/3 cup of water. just trust me on this one. now, for an alteration that bugs the hell out of alot of people, people that measure everything exact and have to follow recipes to a T or else they have heart palpatations. I'm not one of those people. so, whoever you are, whatever your beliefs are, forget what the box says about the oil. if you use one of the three brands i've told you to use (and you should), for the love of martha, do NOT use 1/3 cup of oil per box! you ONLY need 2 tablespoons (per box). I promise, on all that is cakely.

ok, now that we've gotten past the "ohmygawd she's not following the recipe on the box" moment, turn your pretty little mixer on and stir the mix, just enough to get it wet.

now, go to the fridge and get the strawbabies out. take the lid off and ooh and ahh over the thick, red syrup the strawberries and sugar made without the use of nasty red dye. mmm yummy...

now is the time that i would tell you to pull out the immersion blender and crush the strawberries. unfortunately my immersion blender got immersed in water and no long works. because that makes total sense. so, we'll have to use the food processor. mine is more like a "mini chopper" because i haven't let myself spend the money on a real cuisinart. the mini chopper works just fine unless you are trying to chop up gruyere. then you're fucked. anyway, back on track, biddy. put the strawberries in the mini chopper or cuisinart or whatever you have (a potato masher also works). and puree the snot out of em till they look like strawberry vomit.

dump the strawberry vomit puree into the cake batter that's hanging out in the mixer.

now, listen closely kids. the box says something like "beat the mix on low for 2 minutes." you have no idea how important this step is. if it says beat it for 2 minutes, beat it for 2 minutes. if you underbeat it, you will have a dense cake. if you overbeat it, you'll be michael jackson with a flat cake. because i have no sense of time, i always set a timer for beating time.

and kids, even if you have a fancy mixer, you still have to scrape the sides and bottom of the bowl to make sure everything gets mixed in! i'm not sure if it still does, but the kitchenaid handbook actually used to say "ther'es no need to scrape the sides of the bowl." it lied. now it's time to prepare the cake pan. let me introduce you to two new characters in our story, meringue powder and cake release:

meringue powder will be used later, right now we just need this wonderful concoction that is Wilton Cake Release. shake shake shake it up. pour a generous amount into the bottom of the cake pan. with a pastry brush, paint the cake release allllllll over the inside of the cake pan. make sure you get it in all the nooks and crannies. you only need a light coat. this stuff is magic.

now, cuss yourself for putting the mixing bowl onto the stand so damn tight. use the force of the jolly green giant and get the bowl off the stand. pour the cake batter into the pan. now, different cake pans require different amounts. this one is going to need it almost to the top, leave about 3/4 inch at the top.

sadly, now is the time to call and cancel your eyebrow wax appointment. you don't have time.

baking times are going to be different, depending on the pan you are using. because this one uses more than one cake mix, i'm going to have to guesstimate the time. i set the timer for 45 minutes, but at 40, my nose told me it was done (i have that crazy ability). if your nose isn't awesome like mine, you'll know it's done when a toothpick or skewer inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. test the cake while it's still on the oven rack. if it's done, grab your oven mitts, take the cake out of the oven and place it, pan and all, onto a cooling rack.

wait about 10 - 15 minutes. now comes the fun/scary part. you want the cake to still be warm for this. place a sturdy paper towel (i use viva) over the cake. then, an upside down cooling rack on top of the paper towels. turn the whole thing (cake pan, paper towel & cooling rack) over, say a little prayer to martha, and gently lift the cake pan off. if the cake tries to stick, warm it in the oven for a couple of minutes. the paper towel helps cut down on lines from the cooling rack. now, let the cake sit and cool COMPLETELY.

now, we're going to rewind a little. while the cake is baking, you can either make the frosting, or take a hamburger helper break. i know, but i was in a hurry and FUNGRY.

ok, now for the frosting. canned frosting is completely unacceptable. it's not the right consistency, and it's going to tear your cake up when you attempt to spread it. just say no to canned frosting. ok, i'll get off my soapbox now and give you the recipe for basic buttercream frosting (if you want chocolate, email me for the recipe):

*stiff consistency* (not nearly as sexy as it sounds)
used for decorations like roses
1 cup solid vegetable shortening (crisco!)
1 teaspoon clear vanilla extract (if you want your icing perfectly white)
1/4 teaspoon no-color butter flavor (you can add a little more if you prefer it to taste like a stick of butter)
4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar (approx. 1 lb.)
2 tablespoons water (don't use milk. trust me on this one)
1 tablespoon meringue powder
a pinch of salt

Cream salt, shortening, flavoring and water. Add dry ingredients and mix on mediumspeed until all ingredients have been thoroughly mixed together. scrape the sides of the bowl and blend an additional minute or so, until creamy. Because we are using this to frost the cake, we need it to be thin consistency. For thin consistency icing, simply add 2 tablespoons of water per cup of icing. This is a whole batch (about 3 cups) so, add 6 additional tablespoons of water while you're mixing. If you want medium consistency (for shells and borders) add 1 tablespoon per cup. Keep bowl covered with a damp cloth until ready to use. For best results, keep icing bowl in refrigerator when not in use. Refrigerated in an airtight container, this icing can be stored 2 weeks. Rewhip before using. If you want your frosting colored, i suggest the gel or powdered colors. trust me when i say, don't use the electric mixer for coloring frosting. dip the tip of a toothpick into your gel color (a little goes a very long way). then stir the toothpick in the frosting to get the color in. use a cake spatula to mix the frosting until the color is well blended.

i just needed white frosting because i didn't want the cake to be too girly or kiddy (it was for my uncle who was turning 60).

so, now, you need to even out your cake. if it's just a round, square, or rectangular cake, you can use a cake leveler, or bake even strips. bake even strips are a godsend. seriously. they work everytime. unfortunately, this cake pan is oddly shaped, so it was next to impossible for me to remain patient enough to pin the bake even strips on. Also, since the cake is oddly shaped, the cake leveler wasn't really going to work either. just take a SHARP knife, lay it flat on the "bump" end of the cake and gently saw the bump off, making a fairly flat surface. eat the bump. it's yummy.

now, spread a generous dollop of frosting on one layer of the cake and place the top layer on the frosting.

now, decorate the cake however you wish! you can have lots of fun with this shape if you have decorator bags and icing tips. i was in a hurry and couldn't find the right tips, so, i just spread the frosting smooth(ish) and put giant sprinkles on top.

et voila!