ahhhh hello internetz

figured out the internet problem. i finally figured out that it was actually not my poor dying laptop's fault, once i went next door to check Neighbor's modem. Haha yes, friends I steal borrow internet from next door. Do I have the greatest neighbor or what!?

speaking of the greatest neighbor, she's also like, NEVER home. Which, is great for me because it means I can do twice the amount of laundry at once, i can leave random messages for her around her house, and bum a roll of toilet paper so i don't have to go to the store just yet. don't worry, we take turns abusing our keys to each other's house.

So, today, i was feeling extra sore and decided it would be the perfect time to soak in a nice hot tub. except, i sorta kinda totally forgot to pay my gas bill, so i have no hot water at the moment. never fear, Neighbor to the rescue never pays a bill late, and always has her utilities on. So, I packed a bag and trekked it next door to soak in her newly refinished (i'm so effing jealous) tub. I turned the hot water on and pretty much immediately decided against adding any cold water. once there was about an inch of water in the tub, i climbed in, book in hand, ready for a nice long soak.

the water finally got up to where i wanted it, so i sat up, and turned the hot water off.

except, the water didn't turn off.

it just kept coming out like it had been. so, i turned the knob all the way to the left (you know, lefty lucy, righty tighty) and all the way back to the right again. and the water was still coming. i thought for a moment maybe i was hallucinating and had indeed turned the cold water on too. nope. cold water was off. the water coming out of the faucet was definitely hot and definitely getting very high. so, i moved the drain cover a hair so the water would slowly drain out, but still leave me with a bath and i called Neighbor.

Neighbor: "hey girl, what's up?"

Biddy: "um, is there a special trick to getting your hot water to turn off in the tub??"

N (possibly wondering if i'm drunk): "youuu just turn the thingy all the way to the right, why?"

B(totally sober and a bit panicky):"well um i've been turning it to the right, then turning it back to the left and turning it to the right for about five minutes straight now and i can't get it to turn off!"

N(fairly certain i'm drunk): "it's never done that before. are you sure you didn't just forget to turn off the cold water?"

B(having a slight heart attack): "i'm positive! i didn't even bother turning on the cold water, but i tried it just in case. it's definitely the hot water and it WILL. NOT. TURN. OFF!"

N(sounding a little peturbed): "it's never done that before. what did you do to it?"

B (getting frustrated and feeling really stupid): "i didn't do ANYTHING to it! i just turned it on and now it won't turn off! shit! i guess i'm going to have to go turn the water off."

N: "you know, if you'd remember to pay your bills, you wouldn't get in these predicaments"

B: "oh yes i would, they'd just be at my house instead of yours! where is your water shut off? front yard?"

N (now laughing) "yes, between my house and yours. when are you getting your gas turned back on? is the water just dripping or running?"

B (thinking this is NO time for conversation)" it's RUNNING! don't you hear it? i get paid wednesday so hopefully they'll turn it back on then. hopefully. ok, i gotta get out of the tub and go turn the water off."

N: "ok, i'll be home tomorrow."

so, i hung up, climbed out of the bathtub, plugged it back up since the abscence of my 598871 pound ass made the water level drop significantly and threw my clothes on without drying off. nice.

i put my shoes on, ran (ok, hobbled) out the front door, waved to the guy driving by, located the water main thingy and tried with all my might to get the cover off. i broke a nail, cussed, then finally got the bastard off. i reached down to turn the water off and guess what? the mother fucker wouldn't turn.

i guess because mine gets turned on and off on a regular basis, it hasn't had the opportunity to to rust itself into one position. Neighbor is all responsible and only has her water shut off in emergencies.

i had a lightbulb moment and thought "i bet there's a water shut off on the hot water heater!" so i ran hobbled into the house, opened the closet door and turned off what looked like a shut off valve. well, it was, to the fucking gas. argh...

so, i went back in the bathroom and slid the drain cover a little because the water level was getting high. i tried the damn knob again and still had hot water running freely. so, i went to Neighbor's Neighbor's house (in my soaked clothes, no undies or bra, by the way). I asked Harold if he could turn Victoria's water off for me and well, i won't get into the look he had on his face while i'm huffing and puffing and attempting to explain everything to him.

we went to the water main, he reached down, tried to turn, and no luck. i went in Neighbor's house to find a pair of pliers. oh yeah, Neighbor doesn't exactly have tools. shit. So, i went to my house, went through my toolbox and guess what? not a single pair of my pliers could be found. at this point, i'm beginning to think this is some sick cosmic 'smile you're on candid camera' joke. by the time i cussed and made it back to the water main, Harold was back from his house with a pair of pliers. he got the water shut off and the cover back on. We went inside so he could look at the tub. he thinks it's actually the cold water that wouldn't turn off because of the way the knob turns, but i swear i'm not drunk! i didn't turn the cold water on!

of course, all the water had drained out, so there was no hope in salvaging my bath. Harold informed me i looked like i peed my pants. i thanked him, shot him the bird, and he left. and i sat on Neighbor's toilet wondering if I should laugh or cry.

so i did both.

and now i need a bath even moreso than i did at the beginning of this little adventure.

shit

p.s. this is seriously addictive