Broken

After today, I realize I am broken... run down, brokenhearted, my spirits are low, depression is in full swing.

Today was one of those days i seriously reconsider my decision to be a teacher. i know, it's much more difficult being a substitute, but still. it was a terrible day and i left the school feeling completely incompetent and defeated, even though numerous people told me what a wonderful job i had done.

Driving home, i realized i wasn't quite ready to walk into my empty house, so I drove around a while just thinking. i cried because it was the easiest way to get out all the emotions i was feeling at once (cussing at middle schoolers is highly frowned upon). with the tears and the drive, i of course, thought of all that's wrong in my world right now.

I'm still basically unemployed. Yes, i'm a sub, but it pays very little and i rarely get called. The bills are definitely not getting paid by me (thanks mom and dad) and i have no money to do anything even remotely fun.

I rarely ever see Friend now that he's moved across town. It's difficult going from seeing someone almost everyday to almost never.

Speaking of almost everyday to almost never, someone i care for very much so has completely stopped talking to me and i have no idea why. I have a feeling it has something to do with someone on a vindictive mission, which totally sucks cause HI! come ask me instead of believing someone you don't even know! especially when that someone is hurt and on a mission to avenge. anyway, my feelings are hurt because i thought this person and i had a great friendship. when will i ever learn about assuming?

several weeks ago, i stalked The Boy on myspace again. why do we do that to ourselves? it's like shooting yourself in the foot. anyway, i found out he's still married to the girl he married 2 months after we broke up (not for love mind you) and they now have 3 sons together. pretty impressive considering while they were dating (you know, while he and i were also dating) she informed him that she was sterile and couldn't have children. hmm let's see: she says "i'm sterile, can't have kids" he thinks "oh sweet! no condom", she says "it's a miracle! i'm pregnant!" he says "i do." yep...not too hard to do THAT math. and lo and behold, they've had 2 more little "miracles" since. Why does knowing he's happy, settled, and raising (another) family make me want to shoot myself? oh yeah, because that could be ME. i thought i was going to get married...not once, but twice. and look at me.

don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i want a husband. not right now anyway. i just want someone to spend some time with, to laugh with, to kiss on occasion. that's not asking too much is it?

so yeah...i'm quitting nablopomofosho. consider this my resignation. it's been a while since i've taken a break from blogging (and yeah, i always take a break from blogging when my depression is in full swing), but i think it's time for a little vacation from blogging. i will still be reading my friends' blogs. i may even comment. i just don't have anything in me to give to this blog right now...

don't worry, i'll try to hook y'all up with some guest bloggers. anyone care to volunteer?

for now, i will fall into the shadows. if you happen to be near me, please call me. i need to find a job. i need to win the lotto. but more than anything, i need human interaction. i need to go out and have a drink and good conversation with a friend...