A cult of pain has swept the Western World over the last few years. It's led by women in white coats waving hot spatulas of wax unsettlingly close to those bits your mother might not have told you about. What am I talking about? A Brazillian Wax....
I wish I had read this snippit of an article before embarking on the journey I will tell you about in a moment:
"The Brazilian involves the spreading of hot wax on to the buttocks. A cloth is patted over the wax, then rrrrip. That's nothing compared to the next bit. Wax is smeared onto the mons, the cloth is pressed into place...then they turn the music up loud...rrripppp. It's quite normal for the waxer to throw your legs over their shoulder, or ask you to moon them so they can get the strays. The waxer then goes over your red bits with a pair of tweezers to pluck out recalcitrant strands."
Sounds pretty freakishly painful huh? Well, I have been a bit curious about the oh so famous form of torture. I actually wanted to try it out...but at the same time I had this apprehension about paying someone $80+ to put hot wax on my privates and rip the hair out! I have my eyebrows done regularly. It hurts like a sunuvabitch the first few times, but it's gotten much much better with time (as long as I don't let them grow out too much)...I used to have my upper lip done until I discovered a cream hair removal system from Sally Henson that works just fine without the oh so excruciating pain of someone trying to rip your lip off. I can't for the life of me understand why it hurts so much worse than the eyebrows? Anyway...on to my journey of harsh realization:
I'm walking through Wally late one night (seems to be the only time I go). I was looking for the cream I use on my upper lip when I saw something: An at home do-it-yourself brazillian kit...for $5! At first I thought "it can't be that great if it's only $5" but then I thought: "the only reason those people charge so much is because they can." So, I read on the box all the great things about this wonderfully special wax that comes with all the things you need for a successful, at home, salon-quality Brazillian. It came with excrutiatingly detailed instructions so I figured I couldn't possibly screw this up...
WRONG!
Anyway, I bought the kit and left it sitting in my kitchen for a few days (by the microwave where you heat the wax). I read the instructions and it informed me that i needed to "test a small patch and wait 24 hours in case of allergic reaction." So, I followed the heating instructions along with all the others, and tested a small patch. And it wasn't too bad! The only problem I encountered was the excessive amount of wax stuck on my hands. I then realized that the pre wax oil is also meant to be rubbed on your hands (it apparently keeps the wax from sticking to your skin). Anywho...the next day I didn't have any apparent reactions, but we all know how stupid my body is...so I waited a week just in case.
So, now we are to this past Sunday night...or was it Monday? I dunno...doesn't matter. I decided it was time to go for the gold and put my little wonder kit to use...
I put the dog outside because I figured she would either, (a) try to eat the wax or (b) be sniffing around in places she didn't have any business sniffing! haha Anyway, got her outside, put an old towel in my bedroom floor infront of my floor length mirror (part of those instructions!), heated the wax to the correct consistency, and nervously walked back to my bedroom. I sat down in the floor with all my gear in front of me...armed with my instructions and my cell phone (ok, seriously, who the hell was i going to call!?). I will spare you some of the details, because well, I myself would like to forget them all...ANYWAY! Let's just say that 45 minutes later, I was lying in my bedroom floor, in tears, wimpering in pain, trying to get the wax off of me...and it was NOT coming off! I don't get it! It worked so well on the "test patch"...why the hell didn't it the second go round??? I had wax everywhere - everywhere I didn't want it....In fact, I still have some on me! Now don't get me wrong, it did pull some of the hair out...along with some flesh...
It was terrible...absolutely terrible....I got one small patch done and had to call it quits because I was in such misery. Now, 3 or 4 days later, I still have wax in unwanted areas, under my nails, on my leg...it's ridiculous! So guess what's going to happen today? I am having to go see a professional to get her to get all the excess wax off of me before i shoot myself!
I called around trying to find someone I felt comfortable with and finally did...She talked to me for like 30 minutes about Brazillians and how the at home kits should be banned because they aren't safe and can really do some damage...geeze i could have told her that! Anyway, she then told me about how she was trained to do them like 26 years ago in Europe (where all of this actually originated) and has kept up with all the latest techniques blah blah blah...She then told me that the wax she uses has a deadening agent in it...holy cow! She said she has people come in all the time for one (including men which shocked the hell out of me) and will actually sit there and read a book while she's doing it. Now, I don't know that I would be that comfortable, but that deadening agent sure sounds nice...oh and did I mention she's probably going to have to use wax to get the wax off? So, looks like I will be getting a Brazillian today...and I am sommmmmme kind of nervous about it. I could just get enough of one to get the at-home wax off, but I think it would be kind of goofy to have splotches...so, I'm really goin for the gold...AAAAACK!
I don't know why, but I really trust this woman - maybe because she actually took the time to talk to me about it and answered all of my questions and then some about it...and she was so nice and honest! She said the reason most people charge a minimum fee of $80 (if not more) is because they are fairly new to the business and really don't want to do them. She (who charges a flat $40) has been doing this for almost 30 years. Pretty sure I trust someone that's been doing it longer than I've been alive a whole lot more than someone who just got out of beauty school last week....or even last year...
So, those of you that are of the praying sort, say a little prayer at 4:00 that I don't end up kicking this woman in the head and sending her to the hospital...and that I don't bite my lip off during my torture session (which everyone that has had one says is totally worth the outcome...we'll just have to see about that)
MUST.....KEEP.....BREATHING.....
Wow...did I really just write all that about a private-part waxing?!
I wish I had read this snippit of an article before embarking on the journey I will tell you about in a moment:
"The Brazilian involves the spreading of hot wax on to the buttocks. A cloth is patted over the wax, then rrrrip. That's nothing compared to the next bit. Wax is smeared onto the mons, the cloth is pressed into place...then they turn the music up loud...rrripppp. It's quite normal for the waxer to throw your legs over their shoulder, or ask you to moon them so they can get the strays. The waxer then goes over your red bits with a pair of tweezers to pluck out recalcitrant strands."
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Sounds pretty freakishly painful huh? Well, I have been a bit curious about the oh so famous form of torture. I actually wanted to try it out...but at the same time I had this apprehension about paying someone $80+ to put hot wax on my privates and rip the hair out! I have my eyebrows done regularly. It hurts like a sunuvabitch the first few times, but it's gotten much much better with time (as long as I don't let them grow out too much)...I used to have my upper lip done until I discovered a cream hair removal system from Sally Henson that works just fine without the oh so excruciating pain of someone trying to rip your lip off. I can't for the life of me understand why it hurts so much worse than the eyebrows? Anyway...on to my journey of harsh realization:
I'm walking through Wally late one night (seems to be the only time I go). I was looking for the cream I use on my upper lip when I saw something: An at home do-it-yourself brazillian kit...for $5! At first I thought "it can't be that great if it's only $5" but then I thought: "the only reason those people charge so much is because they can." So, I read on the box all the great things about this wonderfully special wax that comes with all the things you need for a successful, at home, salon-quality Brazillian. It came with excrutiatingly detailed instructions so I figured I couldn't possibly screw this up...
WRONG!
Anyway, I bought the kit and left it sitting in my kitchen for a few days (by the microwave where you heat the wax). I read the instructions and it informed me that i needed to "test a small patch and wait 24 hours in case of allergic reaction." So, I followed the heating instructions along with all the others, and tested a small patch. And it wasn't too bad! The only problem I encountered was the excessive amount of wax stuck on my hands. I then realized that the pre wax oil is also meant to be rubbed on your hands (it apparently keeps the wax from sticking to your skin). Anywho...the next day I didn't have any apparent reactions, but we all know how stupid my body is...so I waited a week just in case.
So, now we are to this past Sunday night...or was it Monday? I dunno...doesn't matter. I decided it was time to go for the gold and put my little wonder kit to use...
I put the dog outside because I figured she would either, (a) try to eat the wax or (b) be sniffing around in places she didn't have any business sniffing! haha Anyway, got her outside, put an old towel in my bedroom floor infront of my floor length mirror (part of those instructions!), heated the wax to the correct consistency, and nervously walked back to my bedroom. I sat down in the floor with all my gear in front of me...armed with my instructions and my cell phone (ok, seriously, who the hell was i going to call!?). I will spare you some of the details, because well, I myself would like to forget them all...ANYWAY! Let's just say that 45 minutes later, I was lying in my bedroom floor, in tears, wimpering in pain, trying to get the wax off of me...and it was NOT coming off! I don't get it! It worked so well on the "test patch"...why the hell didn't it the second go round??? I had wax everywhere - everywhere I didn't want it....In fact, I still have some on me! Now don't get me wrong, it did pull some of the hair out...along with some flesh...
It was terrible...absolutely terrible....I got one small patch done and had to call it quits because I was in such misery. Now, 3 or 4 days later, I still have wax in unwanted areas, under my nails, on my leg...it's ridiculous! So guess what's going to happen today? I am having to go see a professional to get her to get all the excess wax off of me before i shoot myself!
I called around trying to find someone I felt comfortable with and finally did...She talked to me for like 30 minutes about Brazillians and how the at home kits should be banned because they aren't safe and can really do some damage...geeze i could have told her that! Anyway, she then told me about how she was trained to do them like 26 years ago in Europe (where all of this actually originated) and has kept up with all the latest techniques blah blah blah...She then told me that the wax she uses has a deadening agent in it...holy cow! She said she has people come in all the time for one (including men which shocked the hell out of me) and will actually sit there and read a book while she's doing it. Now, I don't know that I would be that comfortable, but that deadening agent sure sounds nice...oh and did I mention she's probably going to have to use wax to get the wax off? So, looks like I will be getting a Brazillian today...and I am sommmmmme kind of nervous about it. I could just get enough of one to get the at-home wax off, but I think it would be kind of goofy to have splotches...so, I'm really goin for the gold...AAAAACK!
I don't know why, but I really trust this woman - maybe because she actually took the time to talk to me about it and answered all of my questions and then some about it...and she was so nice and honest! She said the reason most people charge a minimum fee of $80 (if not more) is because they are fairly new to the business and really don't want to do them. She (who charges a flat $40) has been doing this for almost 30 years. Pretty sure I trust someone that's been doing it longer than I've been alive a whole lot more than someone who just got out of beauty school last week....or even last year...
So, those of you that are of the praying sort, say a little prayer at 4:00 that I don't end up kicking this woman in the head and sending her to the hospital...and that I don't bite my lip off during my torture session (which everyone that has had one says is totally worth the outcome...we'll just have to see about that)
MUST.....KEEP.....BREATHING.....
Wow...did I really just write all that about a private-part waxing?!
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5 comments:
HA HA HA!!! That is the funniest thing I think I have ever read!!! LMAO! All I can say is that you are crazy! That is a highly sensitive area and I'm still not sure about people smearing hot wax on it then ripping it back off! lol.. I'll take your word for it for now that it wasn't that bad. I'll let you know if I ever get the courage to find our for myself!
hahahahahahaha! B you crack me up! My sides are seriously hurting from laughing so hard!
I have this deal with my hairdresser....I won't cut my bangs if she won't spay her cat. It's worked well for us for the last ten years....
I'm loving it. Thanks for the link, it was well worth the read. I WAS actually considering giving it a shot.... before reading.
How did it end up? Is there some sort of society that women like the one you found belong to that we could google and find in our area?
that's hilarious!! i really didn't know they were so unsafe to do on your own. i found your link from http://cynicalnymph.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-to-give-yourself-at-home-brazilian.html
thanks, i really needed to read both of these posts to convince me not to do it.
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