2 Years...

...that's how long my wonderful, amazing, hilarious Papa has been gone. It's really hard to believe that two years ago, today, I was sitting at work in the Registrar's office, pissed because I couldn't answer my cell phone because we were "being proffessional." Then, I got the call at work. It was my Mom and I knew that if she was calling work after calling my cell something was up. As soon as she said my name, I knew. I knew someone was dead. I assumed she was going to tell me my great-grandmother had died. I mean, that's the order it's supposed to go in, right? Great-grandparents...many many years down the line your grandparents...so on and so on. Instead she told me the words that I have spent 2 years trying to get out of my head and still can hear them clear as day "Brandy...um...Papa...Papa passed away this morning." The conversation was short but I remember everything that was said between us. She had apparently mustered up the strength to tell the receptionist in the office before she was connected to me so within seconds of picking up the phone, my co-workers were surrounding me. Oh it was a terrible terrible feeling. I felt as though I had just died. I prayed that I was simply having a bad dream and was going to wake up and go to the car lot and see that smiling face. But it's been two years and the nightmare still won't let me wake up.

Looking back, I don't know how I did the things I did that day. June (one of my coworkers) told me she was taking me to the hospital to be with my family because there was no way she was letting me drive. Kathy walked with us...or was it Karen? I don't know...the walk down the hallway from the office to outside is all a blur. That's when the tears and hysteria started. We got in June's car...started driving and I told her to stop at Henry D's. I'm pretty sure she thought I was simply going crazy, but she did. I walked in thinking I had pulled myself together. Apparently I was wrong because as soon as I walked through the door, I had a million eyes on me and a police officer asking me "ma'am are you alright!?" I walked straight over to Coy, my grandad's best friend. He was sitting in his usual seat with the usual guys having his morning coffee. He took one look at me grabbed my hand and asked me what was wrong. So I told him. I knew I had to tell him because I knew the Car Lot was his next stop of the day. And I needed him then. See, Papa's pals have all taken me in as one of their own since I was a baby...

So, after I broke the news to Coy (and apparently the whole restaraunt) I got back in June's car and we proceeded to Abilene Regional E.R. The drive is a blur. I know June was trying to comfort me but I can't remember anything she said. We pulled up and the first person I saw was Pam - a lady from my grandmother's work. Then I saw my Daddy...then my Mom. Hugs and "I Love Yous" were exchanged...and then it was time to go in and see him...

I'll spare a lot of details of the E.R. He just looked like he was asleep...in his grey underwear. Those of you that knew Papa know this was his choice of clothing around the house - regardless of who was there. If you were a newcomer, you might have gotten a blanket over him...but only once. After that, you were family and it didn't matter. Anyway...he had a hospital gown over him, I guess they thought we wouldn't want to see him in just his underwear. There were lots of hugs, lots of i love yous and whys and goodbyes. Gallons of tears...

Then it was time for phone calls. I somehow made the majority of the calls. I took Mimi's address book and called everyone I thought should know right then. I am so glad that I didn't have to call my Aunt Joyce. How do you tell someone their brother is dead with no indication it was coming. I mean, we all knew he had a bad heart, but the way he played all day Monday, no one would have ever guessed he would be dead Tuesday morning.

Anyway, I don't know how I made those phone calls, but I did. I took charge. I did what needed to be done...and still have no idea how I did it, how I held it together like I did... how naturally the movements and words came to me. I immediately knew that I needed to go pack a bag and stay with Mimi. I slept with her, held her, cried with her that night...and almost every night after that for a month or two. Aunt Kathleen stayed on the weekends; I was just down the hall. No one told me I had to, but I knew I did. No one asked me to, but I knew I needed to. Finally, after 2 months of living with her and paying rent on my apartment, I made the incredibly difficult decision to give up my apartment and completely move in with her.

My life changed so much 2 years ago. I changed so much 2 years ago. We all changed...

So now, 2 years later, I'm sitting here realizing something. When it happened, instead of grieving like I needed to, I stepped up and took charge. I did what needed to be done and didn't allow myself time for grief. I was busy being the strong one for everyone else. Two years later, I feel as though I am just now starting the grieving process and it hurts. I realize now that's why I have been so out of it these past few months....and it's oh so frustrating.

Anyway, for those of you who knew Papa - you know exactly what this world is missing. For those of you who didn't - you missed out on meeting a hilariously, fun, loving, family man...

We miss you, Papa