Biddy's Survival Handbook vol. 2

HOW TO SURVIVE A LONG ASS WORK DAY,
CHAPTER 2:

• get your ass up when the alarm goes off. it is set for a reason.
• when you wake up and realize that you were supposed to be at work 15 min ago, panic, then think fast.
• dial work. frantically type in the only extension you can remember, which of course is not your boss' extension.
• remember that doc appointment we used to our advantage on monday? well, explain to whomever you get that you are at an early morning follow up (you good employee, you) and that you completely forgot to tell your boss about it the afternoon before. Also, ask this person to relay the message that you will be there soon to your boss becuase they are calling you back and you need to get off the phone.
• go pee & brush your teeth. after all, you just woke up.
• breathe a sigh of relief and say a lil prayer they don't present you with a pink slip at the door.
• brush up on your medical terms, while almost leisurely getting ready for work. doc appointments take time you know!
• take the time to go to the garage and get a fresh pair of jeans out of the dryer. it is obvious when you wear the same capris 3 days in a row.
• check on puppies. yell at dog for letting puppies wander off from the kennel.
• hit head on wall that comes out of nowhere. cuss like a sailor.
• before leaving the house, double check your shoes. showing up in a brown flip flop and a black flip flop is a bit embarassing.
• go to donut shop, get breakfast and almost get hit in the right rear panel by a rapist van (the big white work vans).
• casually drive to work, going the extra distance to take a different route, so when you pull into the parking lot, you're coming from the direction of the doc's office. it's doubtful anyone knows where your doc's office is, but they probably do know the vicinity of your house.
• check face in rearview mirror for any remnants of sleep in the corners of your eyes or drool around your mouth & cheeks.
• walk into work with a half smile, half appologetic look on your face.
• ask boss if message was relayed to him.
• explain the reason for the follow up using the medical terms you brushed up on earlier. it sounds more believable when you use big words and sound like you know what you're talking about.
• appologize profusely for forgetting to tell boss about appointment.
• sit at desk, and actually work. hold off on blogs for at least 20 minutes.
• if at all possible, place bells onto boss' shoe when he wears the ones that make no sound whatsoever when he walks. then you will know when he is coming up behind you and you will have time to minimize blogger and maximize Access.
• No matter how much you like the smell of Bengay, do not sniff the giant oldish guy like he's wearing the latest cologne from Armani. It will freak him out.
• again, keep celebratory "woo hoos" and dancing on the desk to a minimum. your boss shouldn't know how excited you are to find out he will be in a meeting for the rest of the day.
• if you are going to fall asleep at your desk, lock the door first.
• if you do get caught sleeping, play it cool, keep your head down and say "in Jesus name, Amen." Then look up at whomever was so rude enough to disturb your nap prayers.
• put off going to lunch as long as possible. this makes the afternoon shorter.
• do however, go before you start thinking "you know, add a little ketchup and my arm might be a good snack"
• we learned in the last volume, candy drawer is good. candy drawer is not good combined with abcessed tooth.
• leave nasty notes in random places for the actual secretary (whom you are filling in for while she's on her 3rd week of vacation. poor thing) reminding her how much you hate filling in for her. you much prefer the comforts of your own office, where no one can sneak up on you unless they come down from the ceiling.
• when someone calls and asks for the secretary of the man who does NOT have a secretary, say loud enough for said man to hear "well, he DOESN'T HAVE A SECRETARY, but i'd be more than happy to connect you to him."
• make appointment for 2 hour massage and ask the bill be sent to aformentioned secretary. simply explain to her this is your fee for being so kind and torturing yourself by sitting at the front desk filling in for her.
• double check your work. it is highly unlikely a current 1st grader got a pneumococcal immunization on january 33rd, 1960.