The Boy

I have a confession. This is actually not my first post. I don't know why I didn't think about it until now, but I actually had a blog of sorts a few years ago. You can find it here. I have been reading some of the posts and they either make me laugh, cry, or both. I feel a bit of nostalgia when I read them. Yeah, it was just a few years ago, but it seems like it was a completely different lifetime. I think from time to time I'll post a post from there here (catch all that?)

Here's one post in particular that made me smile and cry...


2002-10-08--11:47 p.m.
RAIN....I HATE RAIN!!

ok so the boy totally scored some major points tonight with his diary entry. And I Quote:


have you ever seen a sky at in the middle of nowhere on a clear and moonless night? How the stars are so bright that you could just take one.

I see that every morning and I think of the girl. How I would just love to grab a star and turn it into a necklace for her to wear. For a woman as beautiful as the girl... I could capture every star and her beauty would still make them all dull and boring. BUt worn around her neck.. they would be more beautiful then they ever were.

Think about this....

Love is what makes this world worth everything it sends at you. Without love... life would just be ... boring.

LOVE THAT GIRL!!!!!!

Awwww he's so sweet...man i love that boy...you know it's funny...all I can seem to think about lately is him and how i can make him happy because he makes me so happy. life is strange that way....

so yeah...portia is in here talking about how much she hates this place and rachel is totally agreeing with her. i'm sure the peeps here at Almost Christian University would love to hear that! i totally understand though...i hear soooo many people talking about how much they either hated it here or still do...

oh well...such is life...OH MAN I MISS TONY! Hopefully he'll come see me soon...

hmmm well this thing is too mushy so i need something funny to put in here...i suppose i could tell y'all of how i nearly busted my ass today...

so yeah it's been raining cats dogs and cows outside alllll stinkin day..now you all know I'm the wicked witch of the west and I melt when i come into contact with water so naturally i ran like hell since i can't find a dang umbrella. I don't get why i buy those stupid things cause i always either loose them or leave them in the car and they get broken. so yeah...i'm running and someone yells "BRANDY!" so I turned around to see who was yellin my name *you know since i wasn't in bed or anything* when all of a sudden *BAM* a car comes out of friggin nowhere and as i am slamming on my non existant brakes the car does a splash and pass....ohhhh man it pissed me off...so then I'm recouperating from my near death experience and continuing my walk to work when all of a sudden *BAM* I go into a damn teret syndrome kick once again and can't quite keep my balance....I went sliding and finally stopped right in the middle of a huge puddle...it totally sucked ass...

you know...*haha you didn't think you were gonna get through this without me bitchin about something did you?!?* you would think after every single building on this ENTIRE campus got flooded they would try to install some decent drainage..it's so retarded that it's called "The Hill" when it's the LOWEST...I repeat...LOWEST elevation in the whole city....arrrg...and stupid me...I just HAD to wear flip flops today...my feet have completely melted off...now i am walking on prosthetics that look fairly real...

ok goodnight folks...that's all this country bumpkin has to say for the evening

I know I know, some (ok probably all) are like "wtf?" so allow me to explain a few things. One in particular: The Boy
<---that would be a pic of me and The Boy. The only remaining pic of me and The Boy to be exact. To be even more exact, the last picture we ever took together taken on the last day we ever saw each other. Now, here we go. The Boy and I were friends from a very early age. Ok, I was the one with the early age. The Boy is 12 years older than me. Yes, I said 12. Anyway, we were friends for a long time. That friendship grew into something beautiful. My first love. We secretly dated for a VERY LONG TIME. Secretly, because he is 12 years older than me, and because I didn't want my dad to kill him.

I was in love with The Boy all throughout high school, and into college. I told you, a very long time. We experienced so very much together. Highs, lows, oh god i wanna dies, you name it, we went through it. The Boy was my first. We always thought we would end up married with kids and have a wonderful life together. And we probably would have had it not been for a few detriments like: the fact that he is 12 years older than me, he was ready to get married and i was just starting college, i lied to him, he lied to me, he lived in oregon, i lived in texas, oh and let's not forget that last little diddy: he proposed to someone else.

Now, before you go throwing things at him (there will be time for that in a minute) let me finish that part of the story. You see, 4 years of him being in Oregon and me in Texas had really taken it's toll on us. Yes, he would have moved back to Texas, but only if I married him. Yes, I desperately wanted to marry The Boy. But not when he wanted to. There's that 12 years difference...He was ready to be married (again) and settle down and have (more) kids. I was just starting college and had all these great expectations of being a college student. Had I known how miserable life as a college student would be (for me), I would have married him right then and skipped the whole college thing. But I still had dreams and ambitions and just couldn't possibly see myself married at that time. He said he understood. And I know he did.

But that didn't stop him from wanting what he so desperately wanted and needed: a family of his own to come home to every night. So, we continued our relationship, though strained. We broke up and got back together bi-weekly that last year. We fought, we cried, we laughed, we made Rachel (my roomie at the time) sick with our lovey dovey crap. Then, he came to see me. One last time. Neither of us expected it to be the last time, but I think by the end of that weekend, we both knew it would be.

He went home. I cried. In fact, I cried the whole weekend. I was just so overcome with emotion - happiness of seeing him, sadness of knowing it was just for the weekend, ect. That is also the weekend I caught Iritis (hence the glasses) let me tell ya, that was fun.

We tried for a few weekes after he went home. I think we both knew it just wasn't going to work.

That's when he told me about her. I knew they had had a relationship. i thought it had ended. instead, it continued. And when I told him I wasn't ready to be married, he proposed to her. Why? because (and I quote) "i'm ready to move on with my life and you're not moving fast enough. she's ready to get married, and you're not. i'm not in love with her, maybe i will grow to be. yes, i'm in love with you."

now you may throw things at him. why oh why would you marry someone you openly admit you're not in love with!?

Sigh...oh well

But honestly, I am the reason we broke up. I know, that sounds odd, but it is. He told me he would end it with her, move to Texas, and never think twice about it. All I had to say was "come." But I didn't.

I couldn't.

Alot of times, I wish I had. It's been 3 years, 4 months and 3 days since I last saw him. Yes, I remember the date, no, I don't count the days. I don't remember the date of our last conversation, but I know it was about a month after. Another month later I called. I broke down and called because I needed to tell him something very very important. His grandmother informed me that he had gotten married and moved to oklahoma. 3 months from the last time we saw each other. 2 months after we officially ended it, he was married and living one state away. OUCH....

So, that's the (short) story of The Boy. There will always be a special place in my heart for him and only him. I doubt I will ever find anyone quite like him, and that's ok. I still have the bear he won me. I still have the paperwork from the star he named for me. I still have the notebook of poems handwritten by him, just for me. I still have the giant stack of phone cards he bought so we could talk (before i got a cell phone). I still have the memories of him. And I still have this one picture of us. And that's ok.