i don't usually post about my ass. mainly because i don't like my ass, and usually some things are just better left unposted right? well, after tonight, i figure y'all will get a good laugh at my ass.
you see, for the past 3 days (since i've been out of my anti-depressant) i have had el shitto mejor. yeah, i know that's not really spanish. shut up. anyway, i don't poo very often, never have. like, seriously, once a week is really good for Biddy. so you can imagine that having constant fucking dia-freakin-rehea for 3 miserable days has really taken its toll on my poor bum. It hurts. It hurts BAD. And now? I think I have the blasted H word. Yep, my bum is bleeding and i hear that means you're having hemorhoid problems. fan-freakin-tastic.
so, i've been waddling all day. you know, the kind of walk you would imagine someone would do after a 2x4 has been stuck up their ass. because it fucking hurrrrrts. I once had this problem when i was little and i remember describing it to my mom "it feels like there's a dried maple leaf in my butt" oh how kids have ways with words!
So anyway, tonight, I got home from Friend's house and decided to sit in the recliner and play on the puter. Welllllll, that was a stupid idea.
You see, i only have window units in my house, so i don't let it get below 78 while i'm gone. And seeing as how i'm
I'm sittin in the recliner for an ungodly amount of time because the dial up is so effing slow. I'm sweating because it's 94 biddy in my house. I'm in american eagle undies. and apparently had a wedgie i knew nothing about...
yep. i went to get up to go to bed.
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrip
i'm fairly certain there is a layer of skin missing from my ass all the way down to my knees.
i cried. i seriously cried.
and then i had to poo again.
and then i cried some more
my arse hates me...
and it really effing HURTS!
so, now that you've all laughed at my ass, tell me something. how the bloody hell do i get rid of hemorhoids? does that preparation h stuff actually work? i know it works wonders on cellulite...
how do i even know if it is indeed hemorhoids? gawd, that's such a nasty word.
i'm going to bed...and sleeping on my stomach
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2 comments:
OK Biddy Booty..if you wipe and there is bright red blood..then you have the H. If you put your finger, very lightly and it feels inflammed...go ahead..I didn't say IN your booty..just right on the outside..if it feels swollen and burns..you have the H. Get yourself some Tucks or Preperation H wipes and BLOT outside the booty. That helps..ALSO get the suppositories..but them in the booty then lay on your tummy..that will get rid of the inflamation on the inside and the wipes help on the outside... within a day you'll be back to normal..promise!
Ditto what MP said- I doubt you have 'roids. Your bum is probably raw from wiping- try blotting.
You do realize now that we have bonded over your arse, right?
p.s.- love the signature!
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