let's go for a walk...

for some odd reason i decided to take y'all on a little tour of my neighborhood. yes, i know i should be posting pictures from christmas and jake's birthday or cleaning or taking down my christmas tree (shut up) or curing cancer. but right now, i'm not doing any of that, because i don't wanna. so, let's get started.

so, it all got started when i tried to take a pic of my december toes (because my dumb ass erased the ones i took the day i got the december pedicure). it's really friggin hard to get a good, sharp close-up of toes. or maybe it's just me. anyway, i sat on the front porch because the flash and rhinestones don't mix well and the lighting in my living room just wasn't enough.

please keep in mind, it's been a whole month since my last pedicure. so pretend my feet aren't all dry and scaly (hey, i'm half black, i get ashy!) and that my toenails aren't grown out. just focus your attention on the awesome artwork. artwork, yes. dry skin, no.

right foot

left foot.
i love my little snowman. see the flower on his hat? it matches his (her?)sweater

so then i layed on the porch to take a picture of my gi-friggin-normous tree

and then i was like, "ah what the hell, it's pretty out" so, still in my cute pjs (thanks mimi) i slipped on my cute! shoes! and snapped a very bossyesque photo:

when i open my front door, this is what i see:

oh look, there's Chablis in the front yard

Hey Chablis, can you come over here and sit for me?

please? SIT so i can take a picture of you SITTING

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD! I realize you failed puppy school twice, but you did retain the SIT command. now SIT DAMNITT!

THANK YOU! was that so damn hard?! ok, moving on with the tour. here is biddy's lil house on the prairie street. biddy has known this house her whole life. that's because biddy's great-grandmother, nana, bought it brand new in 1783. or maybe it was 1952...

cute huh? you know, minus the disgustingly overgrown branches and the 39384593823596 leaves. and don't be fooled, i don't really have dish. it's a decoy so the neighbors will think i'm cool. or maybe the dish company just never came and got it. same difference. now, let's look to the east? west? right hand side of biddy's house. remember Mr. & Mrs. Kravitz that are like 75 and got a divorce? here's their old house

oh wait, that's just the 900 square foot dumpster in the driveway. the new owners are gutting it (the house that is). just last week they put in central heat & air. i'm wondering if they would notice if I switched houses with them? maybe so. here's the actual in-the-middle-of-remodel house

see the lil birdhouse on the garage? well, it's occupied by squirrels. there are lots of squirrels in biddy's neighborhood. they provide hours seconds of entertainment around here.

now let's look to the...er...left side of Biddy's house. ah yes, Neighbor's house. Neighbor is an awesome neighbor. she's a nurse. she's in the army. she keeps tabs on biddy. and she has 2 harley's (3 if you count her dog named harley). look at her well kept front yard. obviously, she does not have a gargantuan tree in her front yard. her christmas decorations are still up. so there! i'm not the only one! see the lights in the garland? yeah, they're made outta shotgun shells. pretty funny considering she's really a yankee. ok, a yankee-ish cowgirl. she can't just be a cowgirl cause she grew up in maine and says things like "mum" and "pocketbook"

now, let's look to the left of Neighbor's house. This is what biddy refers to as "granny's house." biddy has also known this house her whole life. That's because biddy's grandmother, Mimi, bought it a long long time ago. it too was built in 1952, but biddy isn't sure what year mimi purchased it and raised her three daughters in it, just 2 doors down from her own mother. well, till 1965ish when mimi, her three daughters, and the newest addition to their family, papa, moved 5 whole minutes away, to the house we all know as mimi & papa's house. mimi kept the house 2 doors down from her mother, and at some point biddy's other great-grandmother, granny (papa's mother), moved in. yep, biddy had TWO great-grandparents' houses 2 sidewalks away from each other. in keeping with the two theme, biddy once got two feet full of stickers on this lawn, running barefoot from nana's house to granny's house because papa had just pulled in the driveway. biddy only got two steps into the yard before falling down. biddy will never forget that pain. ouch. anyway, now, papa's good friend Harold rents it from mimi. he too keeps tabs on biddy. oh right, the house:

do you hear that barking? let's go to Neighbor's backyard and see what all the ruckos is

oh! hey deuce and harley! (remember them?) biddy completely almost forgot she was supposed to make sure y'all have food and water since Neighbor is out of town on drill. hey look! biddy brought your mom. let's have a little family reunion! can you guys SIT so biddy can take your picture and get the gate open?

oh you guys! you're such good boys. could y'all maybe teach your retarded mom how to SIT the first time biddy asks? no? ok, well, on with the family buttsniffing reunion. too bad your sis couldn't make it...

even though they are very much inside dogs, deuce and harley have their own house in the backyard. yes, it has a door, it's just facing the house so the wind doesn't come blazing in

what's that Chablis? you want to stay here a while and play? well, ok. biddy will just continue the walk without you. just climb the fence when you're ready to come back home.

well, while biddy is back here, you might as well see her backyard. no, it did not snow. that white fluff is the filling from Chablis' bed. Chablis got mad at Biddy, so she tore up her own bed to teach Biddy a lesson. Biddy learned a lesson: no more doggie bed for Chablis. See the lil house? Chablis delivered batch number 2 under there. See the lightpost? it's cute, but it doesn't work. but it's still cute so biddy allows it to stay. and see way way back there beyond the fence? that's the lovely view of the trailor park randomly placed behind biddy's neighborhood.

biddy much prefers the view from the front yard over the back, so the walk continues back toward the street. oh! look! this is the house to the south? across the street from biddy's house. actually it's cattycornered to the right from biddy's house, but who's counting? see the giant patch of new fence? they had to replace that section because their grizzly bear giant dog ran through the fence, shattering it all to pieces with his head just to go rape biddy's dog, thus resulting in the birth of deuce, harley, and bailey...they have since put up an electric fence around the inside to prevent more giant puppy bears from being born more fencing repair needs.

*after snapping the fence picture, a giant rapist van pulled into biddy's driveway and scared biddy so much that she peed her pants and died. the end. oh wait, he's just using biddy's driveway to turn around. whew*

biddy was still a bit freaked out, so she headed back home. but not before snapping a picture of a few things on her front porch that she has also known her whole life. look! biddy gets her hatemail delivered right to her doorstep

and right next to the front door that desperately needs to be replaced repainted, there's this vintage thermometer. ain't it cute?

and finally, what every home should have: a lucky horseshoe right over the door. biddy is certain it will one day fall on her head and kill her. but that's neither here nor there...

biddy's walk of 28 steps tuckered her plum out! she hopes you've enjoyed the tour of her little hood. and bossy? biddy hopes this doesn't deter you from stoping by on your roadtrip! biddy also doesn't know how bossy writes in 3rd person all the time. it's exhausting...