i think i'm broken...

so, i'm sitting here in the disaster area known as my living room, looking around, considering calling the red cross. there are sewing patterns everywhere, boxes of christmas ornaments that need to go out to the storage building in the corner, clean laundry strewn on the couch, 2 trashbags full of food sacks old mail and lord only knows what else, a bathing suit hanging from the dirty treadmill, the ironing board is up and i can't remember the last time i ironed, i've got at least 5 pairs of shoes in here, random car parts and fluids, a pile of mail i'm scared of towering by the front door, and the amount of dog hair is so large my once delicous cream carpet and zebra rug have now taken on a gray shade, and we won't even get into the thick layer of dust living on the t.v. and random chachkis from africa.

and all i can do is sit here and think, "what the fuck?" Seriously people. what is wrong with me? single women don't normally live like this, do they? i think part of my woman dna must be broken. this place looks much more fitted for a bachelor than a single twenty something gal (aside from the sewing patterns, girly undies and dried roses). i've always been messy. as a kid, my mom and i would fight round and round about my room. mom was never, and never has been, the best housekeeper. further proof it's hereditary. but mimi and my aunt kathleen keep their houses imacculate. so why is their woman dna complete and mine not!?

i look at my house and actually wish i was OCD because that would mean my house was clean. all. the. time.

so you may be wondering, if it bothers me so much, why don't i just clean? here's the kicker. i do. occasionally. i'll get on a kick (usually when i'm procrastinating doing something else) and clean clean clean. and my house will look amazing. and i will love the way it looks and vow to keep it that way because surely it's easier to just keep it clean than to labor for hours on end, right?

then 3.7 seconds later, it's messy again. and i'm left sitting here going "how the fuck did that happen!?"

now, don't get me wrong. i do the "required" stuff on a fairly regular basis. i keep the toilet, tub and bathroom sink clean. i keep the dishes washed (mostly). i change my sheets weekly and wear clean clothes. but other than that, i just honestly don't give a flying fuck.

but i want to. i want to have a house that is always presentable. a house that i can invite someone to at the spur of the moment and not have to say "seriously, it's a disaster area." ok, i want a house that i can invite people to visit, period. the only people i ever invite to my house are people that know me well enough to know my house is probably on the verge of being condemned (and love me anyway). a few months ago i invited ahem, someone over to my house without really thinking erm, clearly. then of course, panic set in because this someone had never been to my house. so, i showed him the inside of my car and told him it was just a prelude to what waited at my house. thank gawd he was drunk didn't care.

but that person has been to my house a few more times and every time it has been pretty messy. and he probably thinks it is constantly like that. and ok, for the most part it is. BUT there are times that it's clean (and it has been at some point between every visit) and i think "i've got to have someone come over here and witness this!" and then no one can come over and then my house gets messy 3.7 seconds later and the whole viscious cycle begins again.

i've tried the whole flylady thing several times and failed miserably. so, people, what do i do? what are your tips for cleaning and MAINTAINING a clean house? and don't you dare say a housekeeper because then i will have to seriously hurt you. srsly...