Biddy is not in the best of moods today. Well...make that the past week. I don't know what the deal is. One minute, I'm just fine, the next I just want to cry...or scream...or sometimes both. I know, y'all are probably thinking "ummm psyco!!" but seriously...it's really bothering me!
I guess part of it is this extremely long run of bad luck I've had the past couple of months. It's getting rather annoying and I'm also to the point where I just expect things to go wrong. Yeah, probably just bringing the bad Karma on myself by doing that...it's a vicious circle!
Another problem is suddenly (like within the past couple of days) I've realized that I want something (guess I should say someone) I can't (and know I shouldn't) have. The crazy thing is, I don't know where this came from. I mean...yeah, I had these feelings in the past - a long time ago when I didn't know any better. But now I'm older and at least thought I had put those feelings behind me...gotten over them. So why suddenly are all those old feelings trying to poke their nasty heads up? I don't want to want him...I love things just the way they are! I'm not in love with him anymore (I guess), but I find myself wanting him more and more. That's dangerous and ridiculous. He doesn't love me the way I love him...and he never will. And that's fine! I am seriously ok with that because I don't want someone that doesn't love me as much as I love them. Not to mention, if one thing were to go wrong, it would ruin our great friendship, and knowing our track records, something would more than likely go wrong. So, in my head, I know all of this. I know all of this in my heart too. I said I had these feelings in the past, but that's not entirely true. The feelings I'm having now are MUCH more physical than the last. The ones in the past were 99.9% emotional. So now y'all are thinking "oh she just wants to have sex" and I guess that's partially true....but what I want more is touch...passion...I want a kiss...and i mean a KISS. Do you have any idea how long it has been since I was kissed with the kind of passion I crave so much right now? 2 years, 3 months, 1 week and 3 days. Don't get me wrong...I've had some great kisses since then, but none have quite compared. And that person is not the person I'm suddenly wanting in case you are wondering...Ok, so I need to correct myself again...The first time person number one kissed me with more meaning than "you're a great friend" was sooooo...perfect. It took my breath away, literally. I remember it like it happened just a few minutes ago. I can tell you what I was wearing, where we were, how we were sitting, the conversation we had, the lighting, the touch, the taste. It wasn't a "take my tonsils" out kind of kiss. It was soft and sweet and just...hell I cry now just thinking about it because it was seriously a kiss you only think exists in movies!
oh but i do still love that person (person number 2). so damn much. It's been 2 years, 3 months, 1 week and 2 days since I've seen him (and no i'm not a freak...I remember the date because I was supposed to be in Dallas for a wedding that weekend)...and I still think about him every single day. He and I had a line from a movie that we decided fit our relationship "this kind of certainty comes but just once in a lifetime" ($5 to anyone who can tell me who said that and what movie it's from) It's true ya know...when you've found the one you just...know. You find yourself comparing everyone else to that one and no one quite adds up...they come mighty close, but no cigar. How freakin unfair is that?! Was it written in the stars for he and i to find each other and love each other from the depths of our souls...just to have it torn apart? Are people meant to be together for a finite amount of time?
I'm sorry...I'm just rambling I guess. I know a couple of you know what I mean...and for those of you who don't, consider yourself lucky.
So, back to the funk. I'm sooooooooooooo tired! I'm assuming it's the pain meds the dentist gave me, but I haven't taken any in almost 48 hours! I still look like a chipmunk, the right side of my mouth feels like a giant bruise that was pricked by a porcupine (he had to give me 8 or 9 shots...I lost count), and I'm getting really tired of the taste of blood in my mouth. Oh, here's a question: why does your mouth always taste like ass after you've been to the dentist?! It sucks!!
OK, I'm going to bed...I can hardly keep my eyes open...
peace nigglets
I'll try to be a bit more positive next post...
Thursday, June 01, 2006
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1 comment:
Brandy...you have got to get in a better mood! You also need to get over him - both of them. I know it's hard, but it's what's best for you.
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