Schedule of a Bridesmaid: Part II

The Day Before The Wedding:

• Sleep in and run useless errands all day
• Get eyebrows ripped out of head
• Go to wedding rehearsal
• Bawl like a baby when Bride's sister (pretending to be the bride) & dad walk down the aisle
• Get laughed at by other crying bridesmaids
• Go to rehearsal dinner & vow to kill the worst waitress EVER
• Gripe at Bride & Groom for spending the night with each other
• Laugh at the segregation (the groom's (mexican) family on one side, the bride's (very white) family on the other)
• Gripe at Bride & Groom some more
• Give up the fight, go home & stay up way too late
• Set alarms for 7, 7:30, 8, and 8:30
• And another for 8:45 just in case

The Day of The Wedding:

• Wake up, roll over and panick because it's 9:35
• Skip tanning & shower
• Settle for a French Whore bath, armpit shave and brush teeth
• Text message Bride
• Oh so quickly dress & pack adorable bridesmaid bag
• Haul Ass to the chapel
• Pray the cop you passed at 85 mph didn't notice you
• Arrive at 10:10 for 10:00 hair appointment
• Step out of car, break shoe
• Breathe sigh of relieft because hairdresser is late
• Start drinking and serving Mimosa's at 10:15
• Get hair did
• Continue drinking until all the orange juice is gone
• Switch to straight champagne
• Take lots of pictures while other folks get their hair did
• Get yelled at by father of the bride for taking his picture
• Continue drinking, hoping you'll soon not notice makeup lady's annoying voice
• Drive back to house for intact shoes
• While there, locate shoes for wedding
• Go to Wal-Mart with hair did
• Get asked by 7 people what prom you're going to - in July
• Tell stupid people it's JULY and you graduated almost 6 years ago
• Go to Mall on a whim
• Get nails did by woman who barely speaky english
• Get told "you need pedicure" by nail lady
• Semi-nicely tell her you already have one scheduled
• leave out that pedicure lady's first language is english
• Go back to chapel
• Continue drinking
• Cancel everyone's makeup appointment at Mall because it's raining
• Paint Bride's Niece's nails black with white polka dots
• Stupidly "correct" her nails, messing up your freshly did nails
• Curse
• Pour another glass of champagne
• Start crying when hairdresser put's Bride's veil on
• Chug Champagne
• Leave chapel, go to car, try to get giant stray dog to go away
• Drive off, being chased by giant stray dog
• Get half a pedicure because there isn't time for a full one
• Get super pissed when it starts pouring down rain
• Praise the Lord when it quits raining long enough for you to get into the car
• Stop at Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Champagne and empty stomach are NOT a good combo
• Get back to chapel, sit in car until rain lets up.
• Sprint into Chapel, knowing hairdresser is going to be pissed when she sees your hair
• Scarf down Chick-Fil-A
• Wash it down with another glass of champagne
• Get hair fixed, complete with wax and 2 cans of hairspray
• Take heed to hairdresser's warning about open flames
• Start makeup
• Get uber pissed when you find out your f-ing foundation is NOT in your makeup bag
• Haul Ass to grocery store for foundation because it's closer than home
• Spend too damn much on foundation at grocery store
• Haul Ass back to chapel
• Get makeup did, just in time for pictures
• Take lots and lots and lots of pictures
• Almost die because photographer has your fat ass kneel on a very hard floor for what seems like a century or two
• Nearly rip dress getting up from said kneeling position
• Bawl when Bride comes to join photo session
• Take more pictures
• Go back to Bride's room to wait for ceremony to start
• Drink some more
• Make a toast
• Drink some more
• Hold hands with Bride, bridesmaids, & one flower girl and pray
• Fix makeup because everyone started bawling during prayer
• Pretend to pray again so photographer can get a picture
• Give Bride air-kiss and tell her you love her
• Start whisper-singing Baby Got Back to calm Bride's nerves
• Wait turn, walk down the aisle a bit too fast
• Start bawling as the doors close because you know what's next
• Wipe tears as quickly as possible as crying Bride is walked down the aisle
• Cry throughout ceremony, wishing you still had the champagne in your hand instead of flowers
• Clap when Bride & Groom kiss
• Dance back down the aisle to the Shrek song with groomsman
• Congratulate Bride & Groom while pouring everyone another glass of champagne
• Finish pictures, head to reception
• Eat yummy food and continue drinking throughout entire reception
• Don't even bother putting glass down to dance
• Dance A LOT
• Flirt a bit too heavily with old friend from high school
• Steal keys to getaway car, leave really funny present for bride & groom in car
• Steal garage door opener from getaway car
• Decorate getaway car
• Drive to Bride & Groom's house with 2 other very drunk bridesmaids
• Decorate other car in case they decide to switch vehicles
• Haul Ass back to chapel (are you seeing a trend here?)
• Dance & drink the night away
• Eat really freaking good cake
• Get pissed when Keg is floated
• Go steal bottle of champagne for you and old high school friend
• Dance with Bride's dad and flirt a bit too heavily with him (oops)
• Have really freakin funny drunken conversation while dancing with bride's dad
• Laugh because Bride's dad is more plastered than you (he started the morning with bourbon instead of mimosa's)
• Get big hug and kiss (on the cheek) from Bride's dad and laughing because his hand is on your ass and neither one of you really seems to notice until someone points it out
• Pass out rose petals and bubbles
• Get rose petals stuffed into your bra by groom's mother & bride's sister in law
• Stumble Gracefully walk outside and wait for bride & groom
• Ask aloud "umm how am I going to drink, blow bubbles AND throw rose petals!?"
• Tell bridesmaid's boyfriend he's brilliant because he's going to hold the bubble wand for you to blow, so you'll have a free hand to throw petals and one to drink champagne
• Give said boyfriend drink of champagne, while refusing to let go of the glass
• Commence "drink, throw and blow" as bride & groom run out
• Cry and drink some more
• Laugh ass off at and with bride's very drunk sister in law
• Gracefully stumble back into chapel to start cleaning up
• Continue drinking with bride's family while cleaning
• Have another really freakin funny conversation with bride's dad
• Finish cleaning, kiss everyone goodbye, get in car.
• Pull out of parking lot and decide that you should indeed NOT drive all the way home
• Think of closest place you have a key to beside's grandparents' car lot
• Drive to Friend's house, stumble through front yard
• Desperately try to get key in door, finally get inside
• Make lots of noise while trying to quietly pee, undress, take jewelry off, etc.
• Successfully climb into bed with Friend without waking him up
• Lay in bed for an hour because you are too tired & drunk to sleep
• Pass out