ok, so obviously i usually have NO problem speaking my mind. rarely do i censor myself and even more rarely do i get embarrassed over something i've said.
but today? oh hell...
today i said something that shall forever go in the biddy history books in the chapter titled, "did i really say that!?"
i decided i needed to do some, erm, landscaping. things were getting way out of control down south and for some reason *coughi'm retardedcough* i decided to go see margaret ann, the
upon arriving (15 minutes late) margaret ann gives me a big hug (awkward), reminds me it's been for-e-ver since she last saw me and then wanted to know why i was standing like a 95 year old with osteoporosis. so, i told her all about my back as she prepped the
now, for those of you that have never had a brazillian, let me just say, the process ain't pretty! it's all "put your hand here" and "hold this skin really tight" and "let's just push this fat roll out of the way" and riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip and "motherfucker!" Like I said, it ain't pretty. yet, we carried on a conversation the whole time she was making me wish i was a man and didn't care about having these things done to my body.
now, the last few times i went to see margaret ann, she left a "landing strip." so, today, for some reason *coughi'mretardedcough* i told her to just take it all off. every. last. bit. of. it.
i had no idea "every last bit of it" meant, erm, between the cheeks, as well. talk about places that should never EH-VER be touched with hot wax! yep. i cried.
after she had removed the midget sized fur coat from my nether regions, she fucking plucked. dude. i'll take wax over plucking any day, cause DAMN. think about plucking your eyebrows, and then multiply it by 3487384957, then double it.
ok ok so y'all are probably like "enough about your tortured vuh-jay-jay you freak! get to the "did i really say that" part!"
when my torture session was complete and the tears were dried, margaret ann handed me a mirror to inspect her work. ha! like my fat ass can contortion enough to get a close view, even with a mirror! i told her i was sure it was fine and that there couldn't possibly be any hair left (and yeah, i said that so she wouldn't reach for the wax again). but, she insisted.
so i looked. and yep, it was bare alright. and then i did something i wish i had never done. i put a leg up on the foot stool to see the whole enchilada. i looked up at a smiling (awkward) margaret ann with a look of what i imagine was a combination horror and disgust with a side of anger. she was obviously taken aback and said "well honey is something wrong!?"
and that's when i said it.
"WHY has no one informed me that i have an ugly, hiddeous vagina!?"
oh yes, i did.
she laughed and said "well honey, it looks fine! and really, vaginas aren't exactly pretty." and i cried because in what little bit of porn i've seen, none of them have a vagina that looks like this! and here i spent all that energy defending the damn thing, when in reality, it's fugly!
so, there you have it. another chapter in the "i share way too much on my blog" and the latest edition of "did i really say that!?"
poke fun as you please. laughing is the only way i'm going to be able to deal with this new found information!

14 comments:
LOL! This reminds me of a shirt I just bought for our SATC weekend coming up....
Be careful who you invite to Brazil!!
haha!
I will NEVER have that done..ever..I refuse to allow people to inflict that much pain on me..
You REALLY need to watch more porn
I can't imagine having someone rip or even pluck hairs from my neither regions. Owie! I'll stick to shaving for now thank you.
Oh, and no one's bagingo is pretty. That's the truth.
This is so entirely fabulous, and you know I have NOTHING but empathy.
I don't know how they do it - waxers, that is. I mean, just... looking at it? All the time? (And yeah, not to mention the butt part.) I have issues enough doing a self-brazilian. I can't even imagine doing it to someone ELSE. **shudders**
Obviously I'm not exactly a lesbian...
oh owie. I'm all about landscaping and all, but that just freaks me out. Not to mention I don't think I'd be down with being handed a mirror afterward. I'd be all about reaching for me panties. stat. And going to a drink with much alcohol.
LMAO! I have never had that area waxed, and I don't think I ever will now that I know they will go in there with TWEEZERS!!! WTF? What kind of money does she pull for a job like that????
Yes, our women parts are not all that pretty, are they? But at least they aren't as ugly as boys'. ick.
I am rolling over here...seriously!! You totally crack me up, and I'm so dang glad that you "share way too much"...that's why I read ya!!!!
I had a horrible experience trying to wax myself once. I used the wrong kind, then couldn't get it off...it was a nightmare!!!!
Tweezers???????? Are you kidding me?????
I can't stop laughing! They can rip my upper lip or eyebrows...that's it!
As far as the netherlands? Just know, that the "lawn" withers away the older you get.
More power to you kid.
I had that area lasered a couple times and I agree - WHY? After poppin' out a few kids, it wasn't much to look at.
oh, seriously, just to HELL with the landscaping.
i'm perfectly happy living in the forest. less to see, less to see, tra-la-la-la.
hubunit waves his clippers in that general direction once in a while, which is actually kind of fun.
grooming as foreplay, who knew? usually all i need to put me in the mood is hgtv.
Oh, Biddy. Biddy, Biddy, Biddy. I have ben away from your blog far too long, I can see. This has given me such an education. Furthermore, I feel so much closer to you now. And I feel that I, too can share some stories about my own pubic hair removal experiences. But we guys like to call it manscaping. And we ALWAYS do it ourselves.
OMG. Best. Post. EVER!!!! I laughed out loud 3 times. I've waxed before too, but never gone as far as a brazilian. Now you can be sure i never will!!!!!
I once took a peek at my bits while there was a baby halfway out.
Now THAT's a hideous sight.
Hoo has (or va jay jays) are UGLY. I just got an email of one from a lady that I don't know that well with a baby coming out of hers!
This has me convinced that when I go in a couple of weeks for my Brazillian before I leave for Maui that I will indeed get high on painkillers and maybe a Xanax or two. Then it won't hurt as much and if I say something stupid (which I can GUARANDAMNTEE I will) I can blame it on the drugs!
You are too funny!
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