quick letters...

Dear Chablis,

will you please, for the love of gawd, stop farting in my face? the smell is more than my weak stomach can handle. seriously. knock it off.

love,
mom
p.s. why the fuck do you suddenly look like you've got mange??

Dear Fucktard That Insists on Racing Down My Street,

i'm getting really sick of your nightly exhibits of speed. i get it, your car is fast. i've seen faster. and cooler. from my grandfather! oh, and by the way, if you ever lose control and come flying into my front yard again, i will shoot you. unless of course you manage to total my car. in which case, i will kiss you. as long as you have insurance.

buckle up,
pissed off biddy

Dear Michael Phelps,

you're fucking awesome. what's it like being half dolphin? also? why do you always look like you've got a massive wad of dip in your mouth?

congrats,
olympic junky biddy

Dear Bar Stank from Work,

I swear to gawd, if I walk into the women's room at work one more time to find your nasty piss and PUBIC HAIRS on the toilet seat, you will be severely embarassed at work, by me. We all know they can't possibly be mine, and the Energizer Bunny has complained about it too. That leaves you as the culprit. I'm sorry that your mother apparently never taught you restroom etiquette, or even the proper hover & pee technique, but you are a grown woman! it's time to learn. also? could you PLEASE stop smoking a whole pack of ciggies at once, while cooped up in your car, then coming in to take a massive dump? cause seriously, the smell is ungodly.

clean it up,
co-worker biddy

Dear Local Target,

I realize it didn't get up to 102 today, but did you really have to turn the fucking air conditioner off? i probably would have spent much more money time in your store tonight had it not felt like a fucking oven.

still love you,
shopaholic biddy

Dear Cool Whip,

Why oh why is it impossible to find chocolate cool whip anymore? there is not a single store in my town that has it. strawberry? sure! vanilla? yuck sure! lite? sure! fat free? sure! but chocolate? the ONE flavor of cool whip i like. the ONE flavor of cool whip i need in order to make my awesome cupcakes of awesomeness? fuck no!

send a shipment NOW,
chef biddy

Dear Cheesecake Shot from Last Night,

i'm sorry i said you looked like something i've vomitted up. you do look like something i've vomitted up, but damn, you taste so.much.better. in fact, you were flat out delicious. i just wish you didn't cost $5.25 a pop. Please tell your shot siblings Pineapple Upside Down Cake and California Cocaine (and your cousin, Coors Light) I thoroughly enjoyed them as well.

*burp*
biddy the lush

Dear Rosario

i could really